1. |
Self
01:52
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Learning to be true, true, true to me
So no one’s voice is truer for me
And to grow
Into a person with a stable soul
Learning to be true to materialize
A whole-ass direction in life
In the hopes
That I don’t need you fuckers anymore
Bench-press my frontal lobe through fear and lies
Praying for a sense of self to arrive
Bastards, bleed in the sun
I don’t take take shit from no one
No more
I declare a Total War
Ideas are collapsing into a void-bound entropic pit
Foundational beliefs all give away
And symbols of power all dissolve into a haze
The day the world heard what I had to say
The day the world heard what I had to say,
The day the world heard what I had to say
The day the world heard what I had to say,
The day the world heard what I had to say
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2. |
Self-Abandonment
03:10
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Broken heart oblivion
Two pitchers down to dissociate my way
Through a party where I don’t belong
This is my fight to feel enough
Being discarded off-hand
Often enough really makes you do what you must
Then you come back for me one day
Oh I hate how it makes me feel okay
Is there room in there for me?
In your locked-down heart,
Where the truth will be undone
I’m so dumb
We hit the town full of your dad’s rum
Deflecting hateful gazes
Exasperating the ways I’m socially-dumb
Two more nights and you say we’re all done
Annihilating every source of trust
That self-respect comes from
When you say that we’re one way
Then you come in with the change, where I get no say
And I shield you from the blame
Of your locked-down heart,
Where the truth will be undone
Now we’re done
When there’s nowhere left for me
No there’s nowhere left of me
No there’s nowhere left of me
No there’s nothing left of me
No there’s nowhere left for me
No there’s nowhere left for me
When there’s nowhere left for me,
Dating gets real hard
When you self-abandon for love
Makes you dumb
Makes you dumb
Makes you dumb
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3. |
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My new favorite girl’s always got something to think about
Every conversation,
I’m seeing lightning in her mind
We’ve both had it rough, but I know we’re gonna make it
‘Cause therapy’s so amazing
Yeah I’m healing all the time
But my body reels from the changes
Intimacy scares her ‘til she craves it
And when I look into her eyes,
I’m seeing the light reflect my hopes and fears, and
My karma, and my trauma
And when I look into her eyes,
Seeing the light reflect my hopes and fears, and
My trauma–oh no, it’s just trauma
My trauma, no
Trauma, no
Trauma, no
Trauma
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4. |
Dark Red Kidney Beans
02:01
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Dark red kidney beans
You know I love you
While you live in deep within my bones
Dark red kidney beans
You know that I love to
Put you in my chili when I am home
You make me never wanna go home while I’m going home
And that can be the saddest thing to me
You make me wanna be alone while I’m on my own
That can mean a lot to a guy like me
You’re filling me up
Even through the emptiness of your spending money
Red kidney beans,
Seem so heavy to carry
You taste good in chili
That’s good enough for me
Dark red kidney beans
Chili every night
Is good enough for me
Gotta be kidding me
When you say I love you
You should live with you should live with me
Gotta be kidding me
When you say that you love to
Listen to me listen to me
You make me never wanna love you while I’m loving you
And that can be the saddest thing to me
Saying no you know is never known to help you know
How the heck anyone could matter to me
You’re saying my heart is cold
You’re saying my heart is made of stone
It’s like a kidney bean
Mushed up dark red kidney bean
It’s too cooked to grow
Canned up kidney bean
Mushed up kidney bean
Canned up kidney bean
It’s too cooked
Heart-shaped kidney bean
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5. |
Rolling Thunder
02:49
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Nothing deep inside me ever grows
Feelings that ever matter never show
So I know, that while I’m pretending
I’ll just ignore every blow
Ten more doses and I’m on the floor
Ten more fucks to give ‘til I’m sore
And it’d take more than rolling thunder
To ever bring me back to your door
Do you love me?
‘Cause I’m not certain
That if you did, I could give a shit
Fuck off a bit
Fuck off a bit,
Fuck off a bit
Nothing that ever matters ever knows
Another baby boy to be exposed
But I know that through its steadfast
That it could never feel the cold
Do you hate me?
‘Cause I’m not certain
That if you never did, I could live with it
Fuck off a bit
Fuck off a bit,
Fuck off a bit
Do you love me?
Or do you hate me?
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6. |
Protector
02:17
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A catastrophe in bloom
A blasted mastermind of doom
I don’t let things faze me
I don’t let things shame me
I refuse to think things through
I escaped before you knew
I don’t let things faze me
I don’t feel nothing at all
I’m terrified of when our paths meet
Thank fuck you never once could complete me
I don’t nothing at all
But I feel fried out of my mind, dude
When I collide with the things I have to do
I hate the choices that try to break me
I hate the voices that made me crazy
Hope to God that you all can waste me
Fist blistering, come down and face me
I’d be insulted to ever let you shame me
You’ll swear I don’t feel nothing at all
It’s only when my fear and hate combine
Sounding out like a cacophony of wasted time
That I feel a thing at all
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7. |
Self 2: Willpower
03:37
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After all the light has gone away
The world begins to close in around me
Crushing paranoia calculating brutal truths
Shattered, helpless, only one way through
Anger, anger and blame
Can’t maintain trust in anyone
I’m brave and strong; brave and strong, and numb
Come undone; I hate everyone
Social constructs, bad ideas; holes I tore through
Coercive expectations driving you
Flying high above the board, control reality
Gettin’ real hard to care for every given piece
Anger, anger and blame
Can’t maintain trust in anyone
Brave and strong; brave and strong, and numb
Come undone; I hate everyone
It’s not my fault
It’s not my fault you abandoned me
It’s not my fault, no
I’ve come too far
Come too far to give in now
This is my hour
You underestimate my power!
Anger, anger and blame
Can’t maintain trust in anyone
I’m brave and strong; I’m brave and strong, and numb
Come undone; I hate everyone
I hate everyone!
Anger
Anger, anger and blame
Can’t maintain trust in anyone
I hate everyone!
Anger
Emptiness
Emptiness,
Emptiness,
Emptiness
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8. |
ULTIMA BABY
00:27
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9. |
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Render me my honor
There’s no more of me that I could hope to waste
No more for you to take
I live in a fallen state
Navigating life like I were born a slave
In a world where nowhere’s safe
No matter how hard I try
To do more than survive
My brain’s been colonized, by
Coercive control, I
Get scared in my own mind
So there’s nowhere safe to hide
Until I learn to fight for my inner child
Render me my honor
There’s no more of me that I could hope to hate
No more for you to blame
Tormented by shame
I never knew a way to make me feel okay
Except stuffing myself away
No matter how hard I try
To invest in my own life
My brain’s been colonized, by
Coercive control, and I
Get scared in my own mind
So there’s nowhere safe to hide
I better learn to fight?!
I’m loosening your hold on me
I’m loosening your hold on me
Loosening your hold on me
Loosening your hold on me
Loosening your hold on me
You’re loosening your hold on me
Loosening your hold on me
Loosening your hold on me
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10. |
Amor Fati
02:35
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So comatose,
Upon my unmade bed
Deadman dreams make me awake instead
Oh superego,
Burns the inside of my head
With guilty qualms wishin’ I were dead
Fuck my fate
Failures reverberate around me
But when I sleep, they don’t make a sound
So no matter how far away
I drive everyone about me
In my dreams, you still fuck around
Ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba ba ba ba-ba
Ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba, ba
Ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba ba ba ba-ba
Ba ba ba,
Ba ba ba, ba
Dumb, millenium
A disaster outside of me
Killing my self-esteem until I’m
Numb, circadian rhythm
I’m begging you bureaucracies
Won’t ya permit me that right to fall asleep?
Fuck my fate
Failures reverberate around me
But when I hold I don’t drown
So I’mma vacillate
Between the price of my prescriptions
And every crack in the seams
Of my dumbshit fucker reality
Ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba ba ba ba-ba
Ba ba ba,
Ba ba ba
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11. |
Against the Void
02:59
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Oh against the void
Oh against the void
I’m sick of being incapable
Of being by anyone’s side
I forget how to even try
I despise all of my achievements
‘Cause I’m scared that they’re just lies
Like being proud I didn’t die
And if you’d find the light
I’d find the hope
I’d find exactly what I’d need to know
Against the void
Oh against the void
Now I’m sick of getting through it
I’m sick of holding back the tide
I forget when I last cried
I overcompensate my strengths
‘Cause they’re weakness in disguise
No compassion in my life
And if you’d find the light
I’d find the hope
I’d find exactly what I’d need to know, no, no
And if you crack the lies
You crack the soul, so much so
To be anyone, you better be alone
Oh against the void
Oh against the void
Alone, against the void
Oh, against the void
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Riley Hill Nova Scotia
Songwriter, sad emotions-haver, sense-of-self-developer.
A spoonful of funny jokes to also help the CPTSD-healing go down.
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