ULTIMA BABY

by Riley Hill

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1.
Self 01:52
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Learning to be true, true, true to me So no one’s voice is truer for me And to grow Into a person with a stable soul Learning to be true to materialize A whole-ass direction in life In the hopes That I don’t need you fuckers anymore Bench-press my frontal lobe through fear and lies Praying for a sense of self to arrive Bastards, bleed in the sun I don’t take take shit from no one No more I declare a Total War Ideas are collapsing into a void-bound entropic pit Foundational beliefs all give away And symbols of power all dissolve into a haze The day the world heard what I had to say The day the world heard what I had to say, The day the world heard what I had to say The day the world heard what I had to say, The day the world heard what I had to say
2.
Self-Abandonment 03:10
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Broken heart oblivion Two pitchers down to dissociate my way Through a party where I don’t belong This is my fight to feel enough Being discarded off-hand Often enough really makes you do what you must Then you come back for me one day Oh I hate how it makes me feel okay Is there room in there for me? In your locked-down heart, Where the truth will be undone I’m so dumb We hit the town full of your dad’s rum Deflecting hateful gazes Exasperating the ways I’m socially-dumb Two more nights and you say we’re all done Annihilating every source of trust That self-respect comes from When you say that we’re one way Then you come in with the change, where I get no say And I shield you from the blame Of your locked-down heart, Where the truth will be undone Now we’re done When there’s nowhere left for me No there’s nowhere left of me No there’s nowhere left of me No there’s nothing left of me No there’s nowhere left for me No there’s nowhere left for me When there’s nowhere left for me, Dating gets real hard When you self-abandon for love Makes you dumb Makes you dumb Makes you dumb
3.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment 02:04
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My new favorite girl’s always got something to think about Every conversation, I’m seeing lightning in her mind We’ve both had it rough, but I know we’re gonna make it ‘Cause therapy’s so amazing Yeah I’m healing all the time But my body reels from the changes Intimacy scares her ‘til she craves it And when I look into her eyes, I’m seeing the light reflect my hopes and fears, and My karma, and my trauma And when I look into her eyes, Seeing the light reflect my hopes and fears, and My trauma–oh no, it’s just trauma My trauma, no Trauma, no Trauma, no Trauma
4.
Dark Red Kidney Beans 02:01
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Dark red kidney beans You know I love you While you live in deep within my bones Dark red kidney beans You know that I love to Put you in my chili when I am home You make me never wanna go home while I’m going home And that can be the saddest thing to me You make me wanna be alone while I’m on my own That can mean a lot to a guy like me You’re filling me up Even through the emptiness of your spending money Red kidney beans, Seem so heavy to carry You taste good in chili That’s good enough for me Dark red kidney beans Chili every night Is good enough for me Gotta be kidding me When you say I love you You should live with you should live with me Gotta be kidding me When you say that you love to Listen to me listen to me You make me never wanna love you while I’m loving you And that can be the saddest thing to me Saying no you know is never known to help you know How the heck anyone could matter to me You’re saying my heart is cold You’re saying my heart is made of stone It’s like a kidney bean Mushed up dark red kidney bean It’s too cooked to grow Canned up kidney bean Mushed up kidney bean Canned up kidney bean It’s too cooked Heart-shaped kidney bean
5.
Rolling Thunder 02:49
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Nothing deep inside me ever grows Feelings that ever matter never show So I know, that while I’m pretending I’ll just ignore every blow Ten more doses and I’m on the floor Ten more fucks to give ‘til I’m sore And it’d take more than rolling thunder To ever bring me back to your door Do you love me? ‘Cause I’m not certain That if you did, I could give a shit Fuck off a bit Fuck off a bit, Fuck off a bit Nothing that ever matters ever knows Another baby boy to be exposed But I know that through its steadfast That it could never feel the cold Do you hate me? ‘Cause I’m not certain That if you never did, I could live with it Fuck off a bit Fuck off a bit, Fuck off a bit Do you love me? Or do you hate me?
6.
Protector 02:17
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A catastrophe in bloom A blasted mastermind of doom I don’t let things faze me I don’t let things shame me I refuse to think things through I escaped before you knew I don’t let things faze me I don’t feel nothing at all I’m terrified of when our paths meet Thank fuck you never once could complete me I don’t nothing at all But I feel fried out of my mind, dude When I collide with the things I have to do I hate the choices that try to break me I hate the voices that made me crazy Hope to God that you all can waste me Fist blistering, come down and face me I’d be insulted to ever let you shame me You’ll swear I don’t feel nothing at all It’s only when my fear and hate combine Sounding out like a cacophony of wasted time That I feel a thing at all
7.
Self 2: Willpower 03:37
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After all the light has gone away The world begins to close in around me Crushing paranoia calculating brutal truths Shattered, helpless, only one way through Anger, anger and blame Can’t maintain trust in anyone I’m brave and strong; brave and strong, and numb Come undone; I hate everyone Social constructs, bad ideas; holes I tore through Coercive expectations driving you Flying high above the board, control reality Gettin’ real hard to care for every given piece Anger, anger and blame Can’t maintain trust in anyone Brave and strong; brave and strong, and numb Come undone; I hate everyone It’s not my fault It’s not my fault you abandoned me It’s not my fault, no I’ve come too far Come too far to give in now This is my hour You underestimate my power! Anger, anger and blame Can’t maintain trust in anyone I’m brave and strong; I’m brave and strong, and numb Come undone; I hate everyone I hate everyone! Anger Anger, anger and blame Can’t maintain trust in anyone I hate everyone! Anger Emptiness Emptiness, Emptiness, Emptiness
8.
ULTIMA BABY 00:27
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9.
Ultima Baby 2: Inner Child 03:08
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Render me my honor There’s no more of me that I could hope to waste No more for you to take I live in a fallen state Navigating life like I were born a slave In a world where nowhere’s safe No matter how hard I try To do more than survive My brain’s been colonized, by Coercive control, I Get scared in my own mind So there’s nowhere safe to hide Until I learn to fight for my inner child Render me my honor There’s no more of me that I could hope to hate No more for you to blame Tormented by shame I never knew a way to make me feel okay Except stuffing myself away No matter how hard I try To invest in my own life My brain’s been colonized, by Coercive control, and I Get scared in my own mind So there’s nowhere safe to hide I better learn to fight?! I’m loosening your hold on me I’m loosening your hold on me Loosening your hold on me Loosening your hold on me Loosening your hold on me You’re loosening your hold on me Loosening your hold on me Loosening your hold on me
10.
Amor Fati 02:35
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So comatose, Upon my unmade bed Deadman dreams make me awake instead Oh superego, Burns the inside of my head With guilty qualms wishin’ I were dead Fuck my fate Failures reverberate around me But when I sleep, they don’t make a sound So no matter how far away I drive everyone about me In my dreams, you still fuck around Ba ba-ba-ba-ba Ba ba ba ba-ba Ba ba-ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba, ba Ba ba-ba-ba-ba Ba ba ba ba-ba Ba ba ba, Ba ba ba, ba Dumb, millenium A disaster outside of me Killing my self-esteem until I’m Numb, circadian rhythm I’m begging you bureaucracies Won’t ya permit me that right to fall asleep? Fuck my fate Failures reverberate around me But when I hold I don’t drown So I’mma vacillate Between the price of my prescriptions And every crack in the seams Of my dumbshit fucker reality Ba ba-ba-ba-ba Ba ba ba ba-ba Ba ba ba, Ba ba ba
11.
Against the Void 02:59
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Oh against the void Oh against the void I’m sick of being incapable Of being by anyone’s side I forget how to even try I despise all of my achievements ‘Cause I’m scared that they’re just lies Like being proud I didn’t die And if you’d find the light I’d find the hope I’d find exactly what I’d need to know Against the void Oh against the void Now I’m sick of getting through it I’m sick of holding back the tide I forget when I last cried I overcompensate my strengths ‘Cause they’re weakness in disguise No compassion in my life And if you’d find the light I’d find the hope I’d find exactly what I’d need to know, no, no And if you crack the lies You crack the soul, so much so To be anyone, you better be alone Oh against the void Oh against the void Alone, against the void Oh, against the void

about

DISCLAIMER: I think it's more rewarding to resonate and feel your own interpretations with art! So, don't take my own interpretations as mattering that much--I just figured I'd give context for some stuff to whom it may interest. I feel like I always over-explain or over-write these kinds of things, but I've yet to be able to stop myself.



In some ways, this album was ten years in the making--not because I hadn't attempted to release some songs earlier when I was less skilled at performing my own songs, but because it took me this long to truly understand what it was I even wrote. Channeling most of the lyrics from a strange sort of stream of consciousness, it's only now after a few years in therapy and a lot of self-work that I understand those older songs for what they were: a traumatized, dissociated youth's inability to navigate life and relationships.

Now at twenty-seven (April 2024), I'm hardly any better than before; however, I'm equipped with a lot more self-understanding and self-compassion. I feel like it's helped me become a better artist and a stronger person overall, and like I have a direction to move towards for the first time in my life.

Largely, this album is about living with and trying to heal from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). Most songs are from some angle about that, tackling mental protective mechanisms, dissociation, abandonment, self-abandonment, fawning, detachment--finally, anger, after recognizing none of this was my fault. It is, however, my responsibility. Ultimately we work with the hand we are dealt. This album is my attempt to reckon with all of that.

For context, songs that were written while I was 19-22 include (in order written):

Rolling Thunder
Against the Void
Amor Fati (FKA 'Fuck My Fate')
Protector (FKA 'Weird Flex')
Dark Red Kidney Beans

All other songs are my attempt to integrate the experiences captured by these songs as their lessons returned to my life, now with the tools to stop my protective parts from grabbing hold of the remote.

credits

released April 23, 2024

Album art by Bennett Hack
Audio mastering and vinyl filter done by Doug Hell

All songs written and recorded by Riley Hill

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Riley Hill Nova Scotia

Songwriter, sad emotions-haver, sense-of-self-developer.

A spoonful of funny jokes to also help the CPTSD-healing go down.

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